Archive | reflecting RSS feed for this section

Fin.

30 Apr

You know when you try talking to people to make you feel better and it doesn’t work………..
My heart is heavy today. But I know I had to stand up for me and what I need. It’s hard to walk away when you love a person. I mean really love a person. And I didn’t want to leave but I had to. If I didn’t it would be more of the same.
I miss him though. I miss his smile. His kiss. The way he would make me laugh and smile. But I get it. This isn’t gods plan at the moment. It’s just hard. And where I find myself at the moment is trying to get out of my own head.
My heart hurts. Help me God. I need you help me get through this. I know I passed the test in this experience. And I need you to show me what to do and where to go from here. My other prayer is for him. Bless him and be with him in this season god. Remove the shame and hurt and fear
that he carries. And bless him indeed. Over and beyond what he could think or imagine. Allow him to walk and be free. Free in life and love. Lord let your will be done. I bless your name god and I know that it will be done in Jesus’ name.
Thank you god. Thank you for revelation. For love. For lessons learned. Amen

Advertisements

Learning paths….

16 Jan

2012….

So far…as January draws to a close…this month has been a varying, twisting and turning coaster. From family….to work…to personal things…the 1st month of the year has truly been a doosie. But in all I am so thankful to God and what he has shown me through all of this.

As far as work… cavalry is on the way…Its a slow rebuilding process, but we will make it through…My new thing there is to inspire! I want my staff to push to be better as am I. And I won’t stop. I may work on their nerves…but I want them to know that I care about what happens to them outside of work and that they don’t get caught in a rut.

Personally, I can truly stand and declare that I am free. I am learning lessons in love. I don’t have to have everything and all of the answers right now. And that’s ok. I’m learning not to put so much pressure on myself in regard to being with a guy. I am learning to follow my own advice a build strong friendships before the next level is mentioned. I know men aren’t perfect and neither am I and its ok. What I do know is that God has for me will be just for me and no one else. I’m staying focused this time on the things that he has blessed me with and given me. And like Jill said, I am living life like it is truly golden. I am losing the weight… figuratively, emotionally, mentally, and physically. And all that I can say family is that it feels so good..that it brings me to tears when I look back at where I was to where now I am headed towards.

I am joining Lakewood. And its a wonderful fit for me. I FOUND A CHURCH HOME!!! And it only took me a year and some change. No it isn’t Beacon Light..but I felt God in every aspect of service on Sunday, and I know that this is where I belong. And I said I didn’t want a mega church, lol…But what I see is that with God it doesn’t matter. His word for me will come from anywhere big or small. At Lakewood, I see where I am going to be challenged and pushed to not stay average and behind the scenes in the talents that God has given me. He is going to convict at every point until I succumb to His will. And I am tired of running. You have me…

Which leads me to the next thing…I wrote an entry some months back Get yourself a piece of that here. I am starting to paint and create again. It feels good. I feel like a kid who is entering the pool for the 1st time letting the water meet my body temperature until am comfortable to move further. I need to journal more…and not writing. I need to start an art journal…and I think that will help with inspiration. But I finished and under-painting a few days ago and I am stuck.. I am not going to let it stop me…I need to draw through it…so we shall see where this leads. I need to figure out a way to merge my technical drawing self with my freedom filled drawing self. I am staying positive ūüôā I realize that i am meant to create…not just for me, but for the children and adults that I may inspire to create. For those, like myself who were told you wont make money…don’t do that. I want to be a living testament that you can…we all can. Can what, you may ask…we can do all and be all that God has called us to be according to His purpose.

The difference between success and average is grind. My grind meter isn’t even full…I need to work on this EVERY DAY..non-stop..But even if I slack….I can’t beat myself up but hop right back on and get at it again. I am purchasing this shirt…and will wear it proudly ūüôā

Ok…I have things to do today…leave a comment…tell me what you think! Be blessed all. Love you!

enjoy your sun day! Get it?

Almost forgot!! Enjoy the video…

Liberation…

5 Feb

So…I just¬†finished¬†watching Oprah’s Masters Class with Dr.Maya Angelou. ¬†Did I ever explain how much respect I have for this woman…She is the epitome of everything I strive to be as a woman, wise yet kind…humble, full of love and life…and the list goes on. ¬†I mean, I always knew who she was but it wasn’t until recently that i read all of the other books about her life that have forever changed the woman that I was…But I digress. ¬†anyway, Oprah’s masters classes on the own network are invaluable. ¬†This woman dropped so many gems during this hour televised show, that I can’t even go into all of it here….I can’t and won’t because you need to see it for yourself…

Anyway, the clip above…is one of those things that I know I will carry with me and pass on to all that care to want to know. ¬†Anyway, I laugh, because before I turned 30, I see now how selfish I was when it came to love. ¬†I wanted love on my terms, and if you weren’t giving it, i would shut you out and cut you off all in fear of heartbreak. ¬†I avoided relationships because I wanted that “surface” love. ¬†The right here, right now kinda love. ¬† ¬† I would never had admitted it then, because it was my mask. ¬† The one thing I could hide behind, the thing that would protect me every night. ¬† I thought love entailed that person being near me every second of the day professing and declaring¬†there¬†“love” ¬†for me…That¬†joined¬†at the hip, one the phone all night kinda stuff. ¬†That “love” that would cause me to compromise my values in order to please the person (and me!!)¬†whom I was with at that moment. ¬†When the fun was over and things were getting to heavy, ¬†it was on to the next.

Fast forward to this 30 year old¬†Amanda…I realize how right Dr. Angelou is in this clip. ¬†LOVE IS NOT BINDING! ¬†In its most perfect state, love is liberating. ¬†It allows you to tap into this freedom of¬†openness, where you don’t care about being hurt. ¬†You want to put it out on a limb, because you have a need to free¬†yourself¬†and let them know how you feel. ¬†And even if they don’t reciprocate it back, at least you have said your piece and you are free to do as you please. ¬† I know now that love should not be conditional nor¬†restricting. ¬† When you place these things on it it limits the true power that love has between people.

I’m re-learning how to truly¬†love¬†a man again. ¬†It’s scary and exciting…and honestly if it never goes beyond where we are now I understand, and it is ok with me. ¬†Just know that I love you. ūüôā

I know…enjoy one of my new favorite poems by Dr. Angelou..Happy Black History…and love month

Touched by An Angel by Maya Angelou
We, unaccustomed to courage
exiles from delight
live coiled in shells of loneliness
until love leaves its high holy temple
and comes into our sight
to liberate us into life.

Love arrives
and in its train come ecstasies
old memories of pleasure
ancient histories of pain.
Yet if we are bold,
love strikes away the chains of fear
from our souls.

We are weaned from our timidity
In the flush of love’s light
we dare be brave
And suddenly we see
that love costs all we are
and will ever be.
Yet it is only love
which sets us free.

Do you know your status?

19 Jan

The Red Pump Project

So I am joining up with the red pump project. I don’t have much to say but I will say this. KNOW YOUR STATUS! It doesn’t take that long anymore to be tested. Too many beautiful people are losing their lives because of fear and selfishness. People, it’s time for a change…are you going to start with the man in the mirror?

While my guitar gently weeps

9 Nov

Musically I am attracted to songs that have a sickening arrangement. It’s something in the way that the melody builds or the baseline carries the beat. All of that combined with lyrics that weave effortlessly through the song honestly are found in some if my favorite songs.

One of these songs in particular I’d the semi new joint by India Aire, Santana, and YoYo Ma entitled my guitar gently weeps. There are so many layers to this track that it is beautiful. It opens with Santana and YoYo Ma and then India’s melodic voice compliments it just so. It speaks volumes to the attention to detail. And the soul piercing combination of the song OMG!!!!

But where this song really takes it there for me is India and the lyrics. It’s talks of a person who started out with a love, in this case a guitar, and how it’s been forgotten due to neglect. While that’s going on the guitar cries out to be held, to be played, to be loved. The guitar remembers the passion and the struggle that they shared and it sees how things have changed and weeps in the corner longing, yearning to be noticed again. Powerful.

And then I’m convicted. “/

Really God? And then this is what he shows me. I have been both points of view in this song. I have been the guitar….neglected in a relationship silently crying and screaming out to be paid attention to. Felt like I have been placed on a shelf to only sit and collect dust and not be used to my full potential. Then I have been the neglecter. I canteen begin to say how much I have taken for granted the gift God has given me to draw, paint, just be overtly artistic. Goals that I have pushed to the side because of fear. Fear that people wouldn’t understand what point I was trying to get across.

“I don’t know how you were diverted, you were perverted too.”

It’s crazy to me how much you can find yourself in a song. What also is so crazy is no matter close you think you are you have so far to go. In life, in everything. I guess where I am now is working to keep me in this creative vein I have been in. God keep me. Please.

Pen just cries away

18 Aug

As I journey through this life…I’ve come to realize that music always in some sort of way has been the thread in my that runs through my life. Even as I look at this blog it becomes evident looking at the number of music centered posts. Its funny…through every twist and turn there has always been a song that can serve as the movie soundtrack for that place in my life.

That being said, there is this song by Eric Roberson on his cd entitled “Left,” that has just been a really good song for me as I am letting go of the past. *side note: I’ve been really getting into all of erro’s cd’s after listening to music fan first. You all really need to cop it* It really evokes every emotion I was feeling during the time if me claiming life back from heartache. Pen just cries away is a song of self discovery and healing from the pain of heartache, and how he uses his tool, writing, ¬†to aid in mending his heart. It’s crazy…because I never realized how much healing has taken place with me refocusing on my art to get me through this rough and hurtful place. It, being this break up, has really has inspired me in a major way. Where I felt no inspiration, I have it now. So much so that it pains me that I cannot consistently work on it in the manner I want to. If you guys could really see my plan and books that have all these ideas that hae come out of all of this. The works that I display here are just glimpses of what I really want to do.¬† It’s big and beautiful ūüôā

I digress. But what I’m saying is before I really got back to drawing and painting…I thought I needed answers, an apology, and an explanation. My favorite line in this song is “I lie to myself to just keep my smile”. I did that a lot…a lot… man but God is truly a healer. But in working through my feelings by putting it on paper, the less I needed all of that nonsense. All of that hurt and anger, I’m learning to put it on paper and release it through there. My point of view is becoming clearer and clearer the more I draw the more I paint the more I pray. Craziness. But I’m so grateful.

You know family, when I do see Robert…I don’t want to bombard him with a bunch of questions and demands. ¬†No…I just want to hug him and tell him thank you for the inspiration.

30 something

10 Aug

So at 8:59 am marks the day one of the greatest additions to mankind was created. Lol. Maybe that’s a tad to far stretched at the moment but that is on my bucket list, and I will reach it.

I’m sitting in the hotel bar here in Canada in awe hat god has allowed me to see 30 years. I am sipping on some zinfandel at the moment and with every swig it puts me in a place of gratefulness. He has allowed me to see another year, another decade. As I embark on this milestone of 30, I welcome all that This new era will bring. My 20’s were filled with a lot of life lessons and some heartache here and there. I cried a lot, and laughed a lot as well. But what I can say is that it’s all shaped me to be the 30 year old woman I am today.

We all have our little own list of where we thought we would be…me I was married with kids and an awesome degree in graphic design. Running my own company with my husband and kids. Would I have been happy, perhaps, but I look at the life that God has blessed me with and granted slot of this I really didn’t see coming I still have to thank God for. I am grateful.

I don’t know what God has for me to come but I can truly say I am blessed and it is well with my soul. ūüôā

%d bloggers like this: