Archive | Love RSS feed for this section

Carving

27 May

Today I got carved out. You know when you hear a word that pierces your hear through all body organs and catches you deep down in your soul. Yea. That type of feeling. So J and I were talking today and she showed me a link to this pastor talking about relationships and she was talking about the Jezebel spirit as it came to her waiting on her husband. That led to the side conversation we began to have about the Jezebel Spirit. Which led me to the below video and this blog entry.

Man. I got so convicted today. The 1st time I watched of saw this word it had so much to do about Robert and the issues I was having at the time. But you know it’s amazing how multifaceted Gods word is. At one point in your life it can mean on thing and then when you are led back to it it can mean something completely different. It’s a new fresh word just for you a at the appointed time.

In the video she talks about the spirit of Jezebel and how when you are not in the will of God how that spirit can easily come into the cold. I can’t break down everything she said, you would have to watch the video for that. But what I KNOW for sure is that I have to stay in gods will for my life. I cannot compromise. If I do, I allow and leave myself open for misdirection and time wasted. God. Where I was convicted was that I wanted this relationship so much that I set aside gods plan and went with my own. While there were some things I got right, there were some things I got majorly wrong. I wanted to make things right. Be the perfect girl to him that I semi sacrificed what I needed in the relationship. By the time I realized it I was caught back in a cycle I should not have been in. Lord. It wasn’t his all fault. It was me.  Why was i being so self sacrificing?   Perhaps I am afraid of being alone.  Pause…and Pause again.  Well I said it.  I am.  I figured that If I could be all he wanted he would love me and never want to leave.  None of them would.  You would think that I learned my lesson right?  For the 3rd time I find myself in the same position.  OK OK  Lesson learned God.  I guess the question is that now that I am armed with this new information where what do I do now?

I guess until he reveals that I have to be faithful over what he has given me in the meanwhile and really focus and stay on track with His plan.  While it would be so beautiful to have a man right now, it’s not in his plan at the moment.  I am navigating through every day seeking his face.  That’s the only way I am going to get through this.  Because if I let up my mind will go left and get into its own imagination and concoction of where I am.  Its hard…because I want to call and be like take me back I am so sorry.  Is that crazy?   Probably.  It’s for the best that I don’t. This faith walk ain’t no crystal stair…

Advertisements

Fin.

30 Apr

You know when you try talking to people to make you feel better and it doesn’t work………..
My heart is heavy today. But I know I had to stand up for me and what I need. It’s hard to walk away when you love a person. I mean really love a person. And I didn’t want to leave but I had to. If I didn’t it would be more of the same.
I miss him though. I miss his smile. His kiss. The way he would make me laugh and smile. But I get it. This isn’t gods plan at the moment. It’s just hard. And where I find myself at the moment is trying to get out of my own head.
My heart hurts. Help me God. I need you help me get through this. I know I passed the test in this experience. And I need you to show me what to do and where to go from here. My other prayer is for him. Bless him and be with him in this season god. Remove the shame and hurt and fear
that he carries. And bless him indeed. Over and beyond what he could think or imagine. Allow him to walk and be free. Free in life and love. Lord let your will be done. I bless your name god and I know that it will be done in Jesus’ name.
Thank you god. Thank you for revelation. For love. For lessons learned. Amen

On one

13 Apr

Romance to guys today is dead. Yes I said it.
It’s not that women are looking for this movie version of romance and courtship. Well maybe some are but not all of us! But what we do want is to feel special. Like you have gone out of your way to show your girl how much you love and appreciate her. AND not through SEX. Sorry guys. I know it’s how you receive love. But to us girls…try it again. Seriously is it so hard to do something? Whether you are rolling in multi millions or not, be creative. Quoting Kevin Hart, “Stick to what you know man!” There are ways that you can do things to show your girl how much you care rather than blowing your budget on an expensive date. Dig a little deeper and find out what will make her day. And yes guys this will eventually lead to great sex! WHY because in that instant you put her first and really took the time to think about her.
Please note gentleman that there is no road quicker to being by yourself than not thinking of your lady. Consistently. To balance it out ladies should be doing the same. But if you find yourself in a situation where it feels one sided…perhaps you need to have a real conversation with your significant other. As for me and my house, I need to feel adored. Am I spoiled no…it really is just my nature. I need to feel wanted…from the way you look at me when we are having dinner or by what you say and do. That’s how you get the keys to the kingdom Jesus.

The moral of the story children: if you want to be somebody and you want to go somewhere, you better wake up and pay attention.

I don’t have a title shit

6 Mar

What do you do when you need to talk. But the person you need to talk to isn’t talking to you. I have been frustrated all day. Seriously all day behind this. All emo in my office reverting to what I do best when I don’t want to speak on a matter…working. Called my married homegirl today to gain some perspective and insight. In this case insight = venting. And while it felt good to get things off my chest she gave me some solid advice about how to deal with how I’m feeling.

Honestly though It helped but it didn’t. I have a bad habit of mulling things over and replaying the convo and over analyzing things that should probably be taken at face value. I try to read and interpret what people say or mean and plot out a conversation based on my “reality”
I know a big dramatic but that’s me. That is truly what tends to happen when I’m left with my own thoughts. A character flaw that I am working with. But I digress.

My relationship at the moment, I feel is on a shaky foundation that could go either way. I want to stick around and work at this thing. But somedays I feel like he isn’t all in. Does he love me yes. He tells me every time we speak. But this is the deal, words are great. But my love language is quality time. Action. Doing. Hanging. Being together. His isn’t. It’s words and those of affirmation to be more specific. You know I felt the most connected to him in the beginning. Why, not because of the newness, but we spent time together in each other’s company. Quality time. But lately because of our schedules we haven’t. I guess what I am trying to say is I don’t feel as connected. Is it his fault completely…no. I share responsibility in that. I just feel there is more to it. I feel completed spoiled and selfish when I say it but I want to be a woman. I want to be pursued…wined…dined…taken out. Why. Because that is what I am used to no am not saying that a a years salary has to be spent on a date. But shit I will take a date that doesn’t involve home. I need to be poured into and shown attention. And not just sexually. Funny thing. I want guys to know is when you do go the extra mile it is reciprocated and then some. I don’t feel that I am getting that. I don’t feel like a priority. And that hurts. I just feel like the Quasimodo hidden away form the world.

I don’t want to be an ass. I really don’t. I am trying. I feel and I hear god that he wants to give us a testimony. But seriously wow. This thing isn’t easy nor for the light hearted. Love ain’t always a crystal stair. But I need help. God I need your help and guidance not to do or SAY some dumb shit. :/

I’m sleepy. There is more to write. Ttyl

In regard to whom my soul loves…

27 Feb

God I needed to take time to sit and tell you what it is on my heart. I am so grateful and thankful for the life and love you have blessed me with thus far…and honestly God if you never send another my way, I am eternally grateful for the love and lessons you have taught me and blessed me with. That’s a hard thing to admit…but it is where I am in life right now.
But this isn’t about me. This is in regard to the one whom my soul loves. The man of God that speaks to my inner me. God, I pray that you would speak to his heart, speak to his mind, speak to his spirit and soul in the way that only you can. Rekindle the fire that burns deep within him and bring it to the surface so that all may see it. Bring healing and restoration to the wounds inflicted by others that he doesn’t speak of and tries to remedy on his own. Prepare him, lord, for the future that you have set for us. Equip him with truth and love and faith. Place a praise in his mouth, and grant him wisdom beyond his years. Strengthen him physically…mentally…emotionally. Set him free…fearless in life and love. God…grant me the investment that will have an undeniably awesome influence among his peers, but yet can show by his actions, that he is not perfect, but your hand is upon him.
amen….

Learning paths….

16 Jan

2012….

So far…as January draws to a close…this month has been a varying, twisting and turning coaster. From family….to work…to personal things…the 1st month of the year has truly been a doosie. But in all I am so thankful to God and what he has shown me through all of this.

As far as work… cavalry is on the way…Its a slow rebuilding process, but we will make it through…My new thing there is to inspire! I want my staff to push to be better as am I. And I won’t stop. I may work on their nerves…but I want them to know that I care about what happens to them outside of work and that they don’t get caught in a rut.

Personally, I can truly stand and declare that I am free. I am learning lessons in love. I don’t have to have everything and all of the answers right now. And that’s ok. I’m learning not to put so much pressure on myself in regard to being with a guy. I am learning to follow my own advice a build strong friendships before the next level is mentioned. I know men aren’t perfect and neither am I and its ok. What I do know is that God has for me will be just for me and no one else. I’m staying focused this time on the things that he has blessed me with and given me. And like Jill said, I am living life like it is truly golden. I am losing the weight… figuratively, emotionally, mentally, and physically. And all that I can say family is that it feels so good..that it brings me to tears when I look back at where I was to where now I am headed towards.

I am joining Lakewood. And its a wonderful fit for me. I FOUND A CHURCH HOME!!! And it only took me a year and some change. No it isn’t Beacon Light..but I felt God in every aspect of service on Sunday, and I know that this is where I belong. And I said I didn’t want a mega church, lol…But what I see is that with God it doesn’t matter. His word for me will come from anywhere big or small. At Lakewood, I see where I am going to be challenged and pushed to not stay average and behind the scenes in the talents that God has given me. He is going to convict at every point until I succumb to His will. And I am tired of running. You have me…

Which leads me to the next thing…I wrote an entry some months back Get yourself a piece of that here. I am starting to paint and create again. It feels good. I feel like a kid who is entering the pool for the 1st time letting the water meet my body temperature until am comfortable to move further. I need to journal more…and not writing. I need to start an art journal…and I think that will help with inspiration. But I finished and under-painting a few days ago and I am stuck.. I am not going to let it stop me…I need to draw through it…so we shall see where this leads. I need to figure out a way to merge my technical drawing self with my freedom filled drawing self. I am staying positive 🙂 I realize that i am meant to create…not just for me, but for the children and adults that I may inspire to create. For those, like myself who were told you wont make money…don’t do that. I want to be a living testament that you can…we all can. Can what, you may ask…we can do all and be all that God has called us to be according to His purpose.

The difference between success and average is grind. My grind meter isn’t even full…I need to work on this EVERY DAY..non-stop..But even if I slack….I can’t beat myself up but hop right back on and get at it again. I am purchasing this shirt…and will wear it proudly 🙂

Ok…I have things to do today…leave a comment…tell me what you think! Be blessed all. Love you!

enjoy your sun day! Get it?

Almost forgot!! Enjoy the video…

i think i fucked up….

13 Jan

Ok…so I am usually not the chick to send out random text messages…but this new years…apparently i was feeling some type of way, and it went all downhill to me from there. I kinda feel bad about it… partially because when I reread it the next day i didn’t think it was all that bad…But i think I may have offended folks because I haven’t heard anything since that night…I mean NORMALLY when I haven’t had liquid libation, I won’t say anything. But this night I was on that liquid courage something serious…and i felt that i needed to say how I felt right then and there…Needless to say I woke up early the next day and went to church and asked for forgiveness…Ahh…I hate feeling like that…maybe one day I will get the opportunity to explain myself…then again maybe not. Well let me say this…if this blog is speaking directly to you…and I offended you…I am sorry. i am working on how I deliver thoughts, feelings and emotions… It’s hard though…especially when its a person you love…

Alright…my Jam…Eric Roberson’s latest CD Mr. Nice Guy….the name of this track is “At the Same Time”

If he isn’t singing my song right now…or well at least its how it seems #Kanyeshrug

%d bloggers like this: