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New Year, New Mindset…

2 Jan

Being honest after seeing that I haven’t posted since June I figured now would be be a good time to submit a post no?

A little fear is good right?   I know I am not supposed to speak things into existence, but looking at 2014 there is a little concern and dare I say it, apprehension.  I have struggles.  I have issues.  Where this may have flown under the radar before, I am in a place where I know things must change.  Its funny.  Juliet pointed out to me a few days ago that I always seem to have an epiphany every January and carry it out for the new year.  Well here goes nothing.

This year, this is it.  I am accomplishing what I am setting out to do.  God has a funny way of confirming things.  Yesterday, I said I was leaving the situation with the ex alone.  So I am listening to John Gray tonight at church online, and one of the 1st things he said tonight is to leave the unhealthy behind in the past and purge those things out of your life.  WHAT?!?  A  friend of mine just today was saying the same thing to be before church and its funny how I can see now the unhealthiness of that relationship.  The balance that is supposed to exist wasn’t there.  I do understand that relationships go through phases and sometimes the balance will not be there.  But in this case even when things got better I never felt the reciprocation.  That is hurtful to me, especially when I do not feel appreciated for the little things.  I am still in this cycle where I feel like I am on the lowest shelf of the priority list of the men I date and that has to stop now.    I have to cut whats dead in order for me to flourish.  Does it hurt…yeah, but everyday it will get easier.  The 1st quarter of this month is for laying groundwork of my plans.  Cleaning up what I need to clean up so that for the rest of the year I can work my plan and accomplish the goals I have set for myself.

OK God…I am riding with you.  Help me  and place me in the direction that I need to go in.  Remove from me what needs to me removed internally and externally.   I am ready finally to receive what you have to say.   Thank you for a sense of clarity and the spirit of discernment.   Thank you for what you will do in 2014.  On a side note…aside from working out and stuff I am a part of this online movement 100 Life Goals University.  I am so very excited to see where this is going to take me.  Foundation work indeed.

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Carving

27 May

Today I got carved out. You know when you hear a word that pierces your hear through all body organs and catches you deep down in your soul. Yea. That type of feeling. So J and I were talking today and she showed me a link to this pastor talking about relationships and she was talking about the Jezebel spirit as it came to her waiting on her husband. That led to the side conversation we began to have about the Jezebel Spirit. Which led me to the below video and this blog entry.

Man. I got so convicted today. The 1st time I watched of saw this word it had so much to do about Robert and the issues I was having at the time. But you know it’s amazing how multifaceted Gods word is. At one point in your life it can mean on thing and then when you are led back to it it can mean something completely different. It’s a new fresh word just for you a at the appointed time.

In the video she talks about the spirit of Jezebel and how when you are not in the will of God how that spirit can easily come into the cold. I can’t break down everything she said, you would have to watch the video for that. But what I KNOW for sure is that I have to stay in gods will for my life. I cannot compromise. If I do, I allow and leave myself open for misdirection and time wasted. God. Where I was convicted was that I wanted this relationship so much that I set aside gods plan and went with my own. While there were some things I got right, there were some things I got majorly wrong. I wanted to make things right. Be the perfect girl to him that I semi sacrificed what I needed in the relationship. By the time I realized it I was caught back in a cycle I should not have been in. Lord. It wasn’t his all fault. It was me.  Why was i being so self sacrificing?   Perhaps I am afraid of being alone.  Pause…and Pause again.  Well I said it.  I am.  I figured that If I could be all he wanted he would love me and never want to leave.  None of them would.  You would think that I learned my lesson right?  For the 3rd time I find myself in the same position.  OK OK  Lesson learned God.  I guess the question is that now that I am armed with this new information where what do I do now?

I guess until he reveals that I have to be faithful over what he has given me in the meanwhile and really focus and stay on track with His plan.  While it would be so beautiful to have a man right now, it’s not in his plan at the moment.  I am navigating through every day seeking his face.  That’s the only way I am going to get through this.  Because if I let up my mind will go left and get into its own imagination and concoction of where I am.  Its hard…because I want to call and be like take me back I am so sorry.  Is that crazy?   Probably.  It’s for the best that I don’t. This faith walk ain’t no crystal stair…

In regard to whom my soul loves…

27 Feb

God I needed to take time to sit and tell you what it is on my heart. I am so grateful and thankful for the life and love you have blessed me with thus far…and honestly God if you never send another my way, I am eternally grateful for the love and lessons you have taught me and blessed me with. That’s a hard thing to admit…but it is where I am in life right now.
But this isn’t about me. This is in regard to the one whom my soul loves. The man of God that speaks to my inner me. God, I pray that you would speak to his heart, speak to his mind, speak to his spirit and soul in the way that only you can. Rekindle the fire that burns deep within him and bring it to the surface so that all may see it. Bring healing and restoration to the wounds inflicted by others that he doesn’t speak of and tries to remedy on his own. Prepare him, lord, for the future that you have set for us. Equip him with truth and love and faith. Place a praise in his mouth, and grant him wisdom beyond his years. Strengthen him physically…mentally…emotionally. Set him free…fearless in life and love. God…grant me the investment that will have an undeniably awesome influence among his peers, but yet can show by his actions, that he is not perfect, but your hand is upon him.
amen….

i think i fucked up….

13 Jan

Ok…so I am usually not the chick to send out random text messages…but this new years…apparently i was feeling some type of way, and it went all downhill to me from there. I kinda feel bad about it… partially because when I reread it the next day i didn’t think it was all that bad…But i think I may have offended folks because I haven’t heard anything since that night…I mean NORMALLY when I haven’t had liquid libation, I won’t say anything. But this night I was on that liquid courage something serious…and i felt that i needed to say how I felt right then and there…Needless to say I woke up early the next day and went to church and asked for forgiveness…Ahh…I hate feeling like that…maybe one day I will get the opportunity to explain myself…then again maybe not. Well let me say this…if this blog is speaking directly to you…and I offended you…I am sorry. i am working on how I deliver thoughts, feelings and emotions… It’s hard though…especially when its a person you love…

Alright…my Jam…Eric Roberson’s latest CD Mr. Nice Guy….the name of this track is “At the Same Time”

If he isn’t singing my song right now…or well at least its how it seems #Kanyeshrug

2011->2012

31 Dec

Hello to all my readers welcome and unwelcome….yes I see you :). Ip addresses give so much info nowadays…Lol. Anyway, I digress.

This blog is going to serve as a reminder for me this year about what I am defiantly not taking into the new year and leaving in 2011. Bear with me guys…here goes!

1. Being the scapegoat: Let me clarify this once and for all…I refuse to be anyone’s tragedy. I’ve been nice way to long by not addressing shit said about me, and honestly I am sick of it. Especially when I really have been mute and on pause about things. I am not a home wrecker…trying to break up a marriage happy home whatever. I wont say i didn’t think about it…for very good reason i may add. Never been my style. Never will be. Deal with your issues and leave me the fuck out of it. Get it…got it…good!
2. Not following through: So I just finished reading “The Alchemist”. Great book. I took a lot of life lessons away from this book. But the one thing my heart said was to make sure that this year you follow through with things. And in every facet of my life…be it artistic, musically, emotionally, professionally. No task will lie incomplete if I can help it.
3. the emotional bellman: I am not a bellman. I don’t carry bags from room to room, take out or put bags away. And I refuse to do that with other peoples shit. Sometimes when it comes to the people close to me….which are very few I can take on their issues and that isn’t good for me. I need to really learn how to be an active and effective listener and not try to be captain save em. It’s hard for me… Simply because I like to help, but yeah no mas. I will pray for you though 😉 scouts honor (yes I was a scout for like 2.2 seconds)
4. fear of new love: This year…well the past few years have been about closing chapters and resolving issues with past relationships. And though honestly all haven’t been as I would want them to be…I realized that I needed to clear my heart mind and spirit of the rubbish from past relationships…old friendships included. 2012 is bringing a new look at love. I’m not afraid anymore to love and to be loved. I’m ready officially. I know in my heart I need a guy who is ready to express that love back to me just as much as I. I realize in order for that to happen I can’t be scared of being hurt or rejected. Does it hurt…yea. Is it a little scary, hell yes, but I know that I have to be open to the possibility. And so does he. :/
5. work life balance: I will create more of a balance this year. I will and I must. Because in order for any of the above things to occur…I need a healthy mix.

I know I usually leave you with a song….but this is a post from my iPhone so…I will add one later. But to all that read this…happy new year, and I pray it brings you all that you search for.

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pave a new road….

5 May

So tonight…I’m taking a break from my usual to talk about some stuff thats been in my head….With the Bin Laden capture and killing, its made me take a look at our society with a side eye…

Don’t get me wrong, what he did was terrible and downright criminal, and I am not saying that he didn’t deserve his fate, because he did.  What bothers me is how we as Americans are being deemed as this blood thirsty nation that has no heart. Truth is I can’t even argue.  Some of us look like a bunch of savages on TV, mind you broadcast world wide.  The sad part is that because of media spin, it makes it seem as though ALL of us are like that.   All you see lately on the news is how we want to see the pictures of the execution. News of how people just want to see him in his final state.  Have we become so desensitized as a society that our presidents word isn’t enough.  The fact that we as an American, “Christian” people can’t even respect WHY Obama has made that decision not to release the photos is just…  It brings me right back to when Saddam was hung, and the video of the hanging went viral.  I am one the few who has yet to see that video.  I just refused to even watch.  As horrible of a person as he was, for me, I just can’t watch someones demise like that.  And the fact that people were linking the shit worldwide…but I digress…

Look here is my point, and I am gone to bed. As a follower of God, I know my responsibility in life is to pray for those who intend bring harm to me…I can’t celebrate in someone’s death no matter how evil they were.  God is the final judge, point blank period.  Even though there are mini “Bin Laden’s in training” I have to believe that the God I serve is bigger and greater than any man.  My honest prayer is for everyone to get back on the track and love, peace and unity…I know it sounds rather hippish, but, its true…Remember “In God we Trust?”  But who do you really?  God commanded us to love one another…remember?

Alright, I’m done…you know I can’t fall too far off of my norm…so enjoy one of my favorite cuts off of Erro’s CD, Music Fan 1st with Pave a new Road…

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