Archive | September, 2015

In transition. 

11 Sep

You know that feeling when you want to cry, you feel this knot in your throat. It’s painful. You attempt to hold it back. However the more you hold it back, the more painful it becomes. And at some point you succumb and Allow it pass and cry it out.  Because you understand that once you cry it out, it will be better on the other side. 

 Thanks where I am today. I see, feel, and dream about that other side.  Even though I am happy with life in present, I see so much more for myself. I don’t see this rat race 9-5 daily struggle for myself. I always knew that my life was bigger than me. I just never knew how that would happen what’s funny is that the 2-12 in my case would have this hold on me. I really don’t feel fulfilled in what I do anymore. I don’t get that thing that makes people excited.  In spite of that feeling I hold on because it’s safe. It’s steady and stable.  But I know that’s not my dream or goal in life. 

I told Juliet yesterday…I feel like that I am a child of the world. I feel like I’m bounded some days.  Or like when a woman is ready to give birth. Just mad uncomfortable and ready to drop this load. I was listening to my iPod on the way to work today and happened to choose a message to listen to on the commute instead of music. Literally EVERYTHING I have been crying about, dreaming, thinking and feeling was in this message. I needed to pull the car over. I needed a moment. I just couldn’t believe that God would talk to me right then and there. I knew. I can’t explain it. But I knew that what I have been feeling wasn’t me going crazy. 

What i know….this personal revolution will not be televised. I just have to keep this in with me. And as god prompts me to share them so be it. Can I be honest? I am scared. Why. I feel like I have no idea on how this ball is going to get rolling. I know I am meant to be more than this. I follow a bunch of people on Instagram who are forging their way through life and making a name for themselves. That is so inspirational to me. I need to make more time. For me. And right now I feel like ihave to cut out the lagniappe in order to do it. 

I had to explain to my cousin today that I am focused. No I won’t be returning calls all the time. I may forget things and dates. I may not want to book rooms for people. I will do what I want when I feel led todo so. I am being selfish at the moment.  I feel that I want to take this next year up until graduation to do just that. Do me. In every sense of the word. I need to readjust the way I look at my path and direction. I need to realign my actions so that they match up with my vision. Health. Art.  Skill set. It’s time. Before I turn 40 I will have made great strides in urbane soul collective media group. It is time to get my life. I am pledging to work hard at this. Research. Connections will come to me to move me to the next level. I feel it. 

This week has been emotional and now I know why. I needed to close some doors. Let people go emotionally. And get through and past my own feelings and emotions about my own life I had to get honest with me. I get it God. 

I am just asking for wisdom, strength, endurance and discernment for the next milestone in my life. 🖖 

Venting

10 Sep

i am angry. And disappointed. The one thing I don’t like is when people are not consistent. Whether or not I solicit your help,if you say this is what I am going to do, then do it. And if you can’t do something, shit let me know. I know I shouldn’t be on this tangent, but I can’t get this situation off my spirit. Ok. I do things for people and have learned not to expect a return. But sometimes that mentality doesn’t work out so well. Apparently not now. I think where this is pissing me offis that this person is considered to be a friend. Am I hurting for it no…but it’s the principle of a matter. Before I go any further, I bless God for helping me in that situation, but I just can’t seem to get past how someone can fix those lips to say they love you, but there is no follow through. 😒 

 
I need to move past this. Because this tossing and turning and 3/4am shit is not cutting it. I need to file this in the one last cry file. Because after this entry in done.  I feel myself getting sleepy anyway. The more I type though out the ey e are drooping.  Hopefully this worked. K!l

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