27 May

Today I got carved out. You know when you hear a word that pierces your hear through all body organs and catches you deep down in your soul. Yea. That type of feeling. So J and I were talking today and she showed me a link to this pastor talking about relationships and she was talking about the Jezebel spirit as it came to her waiting on her husband. That led to the side conversation we began to have about the Jezebel Spirit. Which led me to the below video and this blog entry.

Man. I got so convicted today. The 1st time I watched of saw this word it had so much to do about Robert and the issues I was having at the time. But you know it’s amazing how multifaceted Gods word is. At one point in your life it can mean on thing and then when you are led back to it it can mean something completely different. It’s a new fresh word just for you a at the appointed time.

In the video she talks about the spirit of Jezebel and how when you are not in the will of God how that spirit can easily come into the cold. I can’t break down everything she said, you would have to watch the video for that. But what I KNOW for sure is that I have to stay in gods will for my life. I cannot compromise. If I do, I allow and leave myself open for misdirection and time wasted. God. Where I was convicted was that I wanted this relationship so much that I set aside gods plan and went with my own. While there were some things I got right, there were some things I got majorly wrong. I wanted to make things right. Be the perfect girl to him that I semi sacrificed what I needed in the relationship. By the time I realized it I was caught back in a cycle I should not have been in. Lord. It wasn’t his all fault. It was me.  Why was i being so self sacrificing?   Perhaps I am afraid of being alone.  Pause…and Pause again.  Well I said it.  I am.  I figured that If I could be all he wanted he would love me and never want to leave.  None of them would.  You would think that I learned my lesson right?  For the 3rd time I find myself in the same position.  OK OK  Lesson learned God.  I guess the question is that now that I am armed with this new information where what do I do now?

I guess until he reveals that I have to be faithful over what he has given me in the meanwhile and really focus and stay on track with His plan.  While it would be so beautiful to have a man right now, it’s not in his plan at the moment.  I am navigating through every day seeking his face.  That’s the only way I am going to get through this.  Because if I let up my mind will go left and get into its own imagination and concoction of where I am.  Its hard…because I want to call and be like take me back I am so sorry.  Is that crazy?   Probably.  It’s for the best that I don’t. This faith walk ain’t no crystal stair…


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