Lessons learned….

12 May

So I am single again….

Yes…So hence the blogging on a consistent basis. Here is the thing…I am relieved. Is it hard yes! I go back and forth every day with whether I messed up, was I too mean, was i…fill in the blank here. Honestly there thing that scares me most is will I ever….but then there is this BUT GOD that arises in my spirit. I am learning to acknowledge how I feel. And slowly be ok with that and acknowledged my actions and right or wrong stand by my decision. Healing is taking place.

I’ve learned…I cannot be friends…Its really hard for me. I’ve tried it and for me it does not work. In order to move on…I have to remove myself from the equation and if God decides to bring anything back together then so be it….but until that time I need my space. I have also learned that attention = affection. Quality time attention whatever you want to call it…translates into love for me. I need it. It tears me apart when I don’t get it. I need a guy that not only tells me he loves me but can show it. Pour back into me. Its like air for me…a life force and necessity. Looking back, I can say I appreciate the experience. Its taught me the value of standing up for myself and my needs. Its taught me that sacrifice and compromise are invaluable in ANY relationship This is also is teaching me that you really do have to be healed in order to enter into a relationship….or if you aren’t there be working toward it. Relationships really do expose the insecurities in each other…but we have to be willing to acknowledge it and work at it together.

At church today, I realized that the healing is beginning. I learned that I was not an angel in this relationship. I have to be honest. I was not in love. Did I love him, yes. But I honestly did not allow myself to be in love with him. I put the cart before the wagon. I did what I said I wouldn’t do, which was I think try to be a wife and show him that I could be that without a relationship. I am not beating myself up, about this I am just honest enough to share truths. Did I think I could fall in love, yes, but we needed more time. More time to cultivate it that neither one of us could afford.
The ironic part is this I was trying to avoid being an ass. But I ended up coming off as one. I thought that keeping my response short, sweet and to the point Would be responding and not reacting to with what I read. In hindsight I came across as bitter and angry and my Behavior afterwords made me look like an asshole or… Maybe I should’ve asked for clarification when I didn’t and maybe my response wouldn’t of been so crazy had I received clarification but I guess it is what it is for now at least. Funny thing I do want to apologize for my behavior over the past couple of days because it wasn’t me it was completely out of character and my last intent was never to hurt him. I didn’t want to hurt him I really didn’t. I let anger get the best of me and you know what’s funny I don’t know how he would receive an apology right now so I guess this is my way of apologizing until….
Selah

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