Archive | May, 2013

Carving

27 May

Today I got carved out. You know when you hear a word that pierces your hear through all body organs and catches you deep down in your soul. Yea. That type of feeling. So J and I were talking today and she showed me a link to this pastor talking about relationships and she was talking about the Jezebel spirit as it came to her waiting on her husband. That led to the side conversation we began to have about the Jezebel Spirit. Which led me to the below video and this blog entry.

Man. I got so convicted today. The 1st time I watched of saw this word it had so much to do about Robert and the issues I was having at the time. But you know it’s amazing how multifaceted Gods word is. At one point in your life it can mean on thing and then when you are led back to it it can mean something completely different. It’s a new fresh word just for you a at the appointed time.

In the video she talks about the spirit of Jezebel and how when you are not in the will of God how that spirit can easily come into the cold. I can’t break down everything she said, you would have to watch the video for that. But what I KNOW for sure is that I have to stay in gods will for my life. I cannot compromise. If I do, I allow and leave myself open for misdirection and time wasted. God. Where I was convicted was that I wanted this relationship so much that I set aside gods plan and went with my own. While there were some things I got right, there were some things I got majorly wrong. I wanted to make things right. Be the perfect girl to him that I semi sacrificed what I needed in the relationship. By the time I realized it I was caught back in a cycle I should not have been in. Lord. It wasn’t his all fault. It was me.  Why was i being so self sacrificing?   Perhaps I am afraid of being alone.  Pause…and Pause again.  Well I said it.  I am.  I figured that If I could be all he wanted he would love me and never want to leave.  None of them would.  You would think that I learned my lesson right?  For the 3rd time I find myself in the same position.  OK OK  Lesson learned God.  I guess the question is that now that I am armed with this new information where what do I do now?

I guess until he reveals that I have to be faithful over what he has given me in the meanwhile and really focus and stay on track with His plan.  While it would be so beautiful to have a man right now, it’s not in his plan at the moment.  I am navigating through every day seeking his face.  That’s the only way I am going to get through this.  Because if I let up my mind will go left and get into its own imagination and concoction of where I am.  Its hard…because I want to call and be like take me back I am so sorry.  Is that crazy?   Probably.  It’s for the best that I don’t. This faith walk ain’t no crystal stair…

no more hamtser wheels…

27 May

I am tired. I was reading through my last few posts and I am noticing this pattern where the guys that are interested in me can’t or wont show me love in a way that I can receive it. I couldn’t understand for the life of me why…this same cycle continues on. But maybe I need to change on another level. I am done with this. i want to be free and happy…and not tied to the potential of a person. I AM READY FOR LOVE. Real love, that isn’t afraid to disagree. Isn’t afraid to challenge and push and encourage in a healthy manner. Someone who is REALLY emotionally available and wants to be there for me despite my faults and issues and isn’t just ready to walk out when things aren’t rainbows and butterflies. Love me and try to love me as much as god doe.s I’m sick of the going around in circles and not moving forward, but rather staying stagnant in one place. heal my heart and mind …prepare me for the future you have set before me and remove and or release all fear from me in this area of my life. I deserve to be loved by a man just as much as you love me

emotional vomiting

18 May

I feel like i am in a wad of emotions  My mind is just everywhere and please note that this entry IS NOT AND WILL NOT be one that is laid out nicely and tied together with a bow.

….There are times where I am good…and then there are times where that isn’t the case.  There are both angry and sad days.  but in all that I am moving forward.  forward intrying to understand  Forward in healing.  Letting GOD really heal me and reveal things to me.  In all of this though my want of love remains unchanged.  I am not bitter..confused yes…but not bitter.  I wish no ill will or spite….

But you know what it is though..I I really want to feel appreciated. Validated.  VALIDATED.  Am I perfect no…but love is a slippery sucker.  What I know is that you need to pay attention to your partner and recognize the way they show and receive love and be willing to acquiesce to that for the other person.  Selfishness and selflessness have to take a front seat to ego.  Man I really want to get through this.  today I wrote across my vision board….I AM UNSTOPPABLE…Phil 4:16 and I’LL NEVER GIVE UP….Powerful…jesus help me walk it daily.

Lessons learned….

12 May

So I am single again….

Yes…So hence the blogging on a consistent basis. Here is the thing…I am relieved. Is it hard yes! I go back and forth every day with whether I messed up, was I too mean, was i…fill in the blank here. Honestly there thing that scares me most is will I ever….but then there is this BUT GOD that arises in my spirit. I am learning to acknowledge how I feel. And slowly be ok with that and acknowledged my actions and right or wrong stand by my decision. Healing is taking place.

I’ve learned…I cannot be friends…Its really hard for me. I’ve tried it and for me it does not work. In order to move on…I have to remove myself from the equation and if God decides to bring anything back together then so be it….but until that time I need my space. I have also learned that attention = affection. Quality time attention whatever you want to call it…translates into love for me. I need it. It tears me apart when I don’t get it. I need a guy that not only tells me he loves me but can show it. Pour back into me. Its like air for me…a life force and necessity. Looking back, I can say I appreciate the experience. Its taught me the value of standing up for myself and my needs. Its taught me that sacrifice and compromise are invaluable in ANY relationship This is also is teaching me that you really do have to be healed in order to enter into a relationship….or if you aren’t there be working toward it. Relationships really do expose the insecurities in each other…but we have to be willing to acknowledge it and work at it together.

At church today, I realized that the healing is beginning. I learned that I was not an angel in this relationship. I have to be honest. I was not in love. Did I love him, yes. But I honestly did not allow myself to be in love with him. I put the cart before the wagon. I did what I said I wouldn’t do, which was I think try to be a wife and show him that I could be that without a relationship. I am not beating myself up, about this I am just honest enough to share truths. Did I think I could fall in love, yes, but we needed more time. More time to cultivate it that neither one of us could afford.
The ironic part is this I was trying to avoid being an ass. But I ended up coming off as one. I thought that keeping my response short, sweet and to the point Would be responding and not reacting to with what I read. In hindsight I came across as bitter and angry and my Behavior afterwords made me look like an asshole or… Maybe I should’ve asked for clarification when I didn’t and maybe my response wouldn’t of been so crazy had I received clarification but I guess it is what it is for now at least. Funny thing I do want to apologize for my behavior over the past couple of days because it wasn’t me it was completely out of character and my last intent was never to hurt him. I didn’t want to hurt him I really didn’t. I let anger get the best of me and you know what’s funny I don’t know how he would receive an apology right now so I guess this is my way of apologizing until….
Selah

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