Archive | March, 2013

I don’t have a title shit

6 Mar

What do you do when you need to talk. But the person you need to talk to isn’t talking to you. I have been frustrated all day. Seriously all day behind this. All emo in my office reverting to what I do best when I don’t want to speak on a matter…working. Called my married homegirl today to gain some perspective and insight. In this case insight = venting. And while it felt good to get things off my chest she gave me some solid advice about how to deal with how I’m feeling.

Honestly though It helped but it didn’t. I have a bad habit of mulling things over and replaying the convo and over analyzing things that should probably be taken at face value. I try to read and interpret what people say or mean and plot out a conversation based on my “reality”
I know a big dramatic but that’s me. That is truly what tends to happen when I’m left with my own thoughts. A character flaw that I am working with. But I digress.

My relationship at the moment, I feel is on a shaky foundation that could go either way. I want to stick around and work at this thing. But somedays I feel like he isn’t all in. Does he love me yes. He tells me every time we speak. But this is the deal, words are great. But my love language is quality time. Action. Doing. Hanging. Being together. His isn’t. It’s words and those of affirmation to be more specific. You know I felt the most connected to him in the beginning. Why, not because of the newness, but we spent time together in each other’s company. Quality time. But lately because of our schedules we haven’t. I guess what I am trying to say is I don’t feel as connected. Is it his fault completely…no. I share responsibility in that. I just feel there is more to it. I feel completed spoiled and selfish when I say it but I want to be a woman. I want to be pursued…wined…dined…taken out. Why. Because that is what I am used to no am not saying that a a years salary has to be spent on a date. But shit I will take a date that doesn’t involve home. I need to be poured into and shown attention. And not just sexually. Funny thing. I want guys to know is when you do go the extra mile it is reciprocated and then some. I don’t feel that I am getting that. I don’t feel like a priority. And that hurts. I just feel like the Quasimodo hidden away form the world.

I don’t want to be an ass. I really don’t. I am trying. I feel and I hear god that he wants to give us a testimony. But seriously wow. This thing isn’t easy nor for the light hearted. Love ain’t always a crystal stair. But I need help. God I need your help and guidance not to do or SAY some dumb shit. :/

I’m sleepy. There is more to write. Ttyl

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