On my wonderwoman shit….

5 May

Let’s do this…this is a long one…(I warned you)

I have been putting this blog off for a while. To busy or too heavy to write it…but its been in my spirit for a while. The month of April has been so crazy. I lost someone that was close to me and honestly its changed and shaped me in a way that I never thought of before. On April 14th, I lost my beautiful aunt Courtney to her fight with breast cancer. I had just spoken to her that Easter Sunday and was laughing about how she was cussing about the people in the house, told her I loved her and I would see her possibly in July when I came home for Essence. Who would have possibly thought…that 1 week later, Sunday to Saturday she would be gone. Talk about out of no where. Crazy thing though…my mom called me Monday and told me she was going into the hospital for a mild case of pneumonia…and Wednesday I had this feeling that I knew the end was near. I cried on my couch that night and after I was through…I felt God’s peace about everything. Mom called me again and told me that I needed to come this weekend, and that was confirmation for me. Initially I was going Sunday, but I felt something wasn’t right and ended up riding down that Saturday…but it was too late…she passed before we could even get out of Texas that morning.

What ensued after has changed me forever. You always hear people say after they go through a tough time in life that they never knew their own strength. Whitney sung about it, Kanye rapped about it, but I never really got it until a few weeks ago. I am going to try my best to let you into the space that I have been occupying. I think because I already had made peace it made it easier. It was easier to be there for my family and even for myself. It was easier to be strong even when it hurt to know that she was gone. I felt her love and spirit dealing with her husband and getting the funeral programs and obituary together. Lord that was patience and peace beyond my own understanding. DESPITE how I feel about him personally. Lol, you know my phrase the whole time was “Jesus take it. (Shot out to Kevin Hart). But He allowed the family to come together and reinforce a bond with each other. Despite what we were all feeling and experiencing, we made it through as a family and made sure that Courtney was honored in a way fitting to her. For me…I always envisioned being my guy whenever I had to go through anything tough like this. They be there to hold and console and tell me babe it’s going to be ok. To have him hold my hand and be there during that time. To the man that was there for me from a distance…thank you and I love you from the bottom of my heart. Well God apparently has had different plans for me. During this whole ordeal, I got to see a different side of me. I learned how to truly forgive a person. Despite how you feel about what they have done to someone that you love I learned about putting differences and feelings aside and focusing about the task at hand. That night when I went back to the hotel…I chilled and decompressed and prepared for tomorrow. Got up worked out that morning and my cousin and I banged out the program and obituary.

What I learned though…Courtney was a giving person. Loved by all she came into contact with. She worked and gave her time and love to her daughter Kyla and the kids at church and he nieces and nephews and parent and sisters and brothers…even when she wasn’t feeling her best. My prayer is that I want to be the woman that she was..she is. Yeah…in the prior post I was upset…and though I do stand by what i said, and I think we need to be more open, she did what she thought was best to protect our feelings. In my heart…i think she knew she was going to pass long before we did…BUT she didn’t want us to worry about her. As mad as I was…you know what the crazy thing is I understand why. People tend to go left whenever bad news arises and she was avoiding that. I got it.

How am I doing…Its a day by day thing. I miss her every day. I do. This was a hard blog to write and not be emotional. But I know that I needed to..and I wanted to. I wanted to thank everyone for their prayers and thoughts..texts… Facebook messages. I love you all for it. Even if I didn’t respond. Thank you! You know whats funny I read through the last post…I came across the prayer…and god really did answer my prayer…read below…

I’m closing with this….Pray for my family and my aunt. Please, we need it. We really want here in here in Texas where she can receive specialized cancer treatment. Not only that, also so that she can remove herself from the toxic mental environment that shes in, gain strength, and move on with life and what God has for her. I just want her to be happy….and free…bottom line. Free from cancer…free from miscellaneous ppl and live the life that God has called her to live

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