Life lessons….

11 Apr

Ok…before I go for a run this morning I need to get this off of my chest. This may be another rambling blog as a note… I love my family…but I’m frustrated. The women in my family are all very strong people. Like borderline superhuman, and I see where I get it from. But I have an issue…

This year God has me in a very unusual space. He is making me a look at life with new vision. He is making me take an in depth look at things and people and re-evaluating the things and people that are closest to me. It’s funny…I am seeing things and people for whom and what they are and learning how to deal and adapt. I am in a space where I am feel as though every encounter, every situation is a life lesson. I am so thankful…I really am. Pause

Back to the subject at hand…my issue. The women in my life. So currently for those that don’t know, my aunt Courtney…whom I love with my whole heart, has been going through the fight with breast cancer, kemo, radiation, the whole 9. It was something that hit the family hard when the cat was out of the bag, but its brought us closer as a family. I bless God for that…differences aside. I know that God is a healer and restorer of life and love. What brought this blog on…my aunt is currently is in ICU, getting through a mild form of pneumonia. That being said when I found out…my mother randomly called me and just told me. Talk about some stuff out of left field. And she will do that to me repeatedly. Anytime there is something wrong, they all do this thing where they feel as though they have to put on this brave face and front that everything is better than it is when it isn’t at the moment. I mean, I know that they don’t want to worry me or the rest of the family here in Texas….but this is so frustrating. I get that they want to remain in a positive space about everything going on, but shit it sucks that they never want to show their emotion behind the face. They don’t reveal who they are and how things affect them. That bothers me so much. My aunt even in her current state continues to put on this face and I know everything isn’t right in her world…And no it isn’t just the cancer…this was going on long before that.

I mean I get it…its wonderful to be positive, but I feel as though there is a part where you have to be real…not only with your family, but with yourself as well. Everything isn’t always peaches and cream..and what I am trying to get out is that its alright to be vulnerable. Its OK to cry and be scared when you don’t know if everything is going to be alright. God we are human and its alright to show that side. Its like the women in my life have this stance of bravado where they feel like they have to be strong at all times even with family and that shit sickens me. Borderline pisses me off. I don’t want to be that way. I have to be real and honest at every moment with my feelings and emotions no matter how hard that can be. I feel guilty and a little selfish for feeling this way…but at least its real.

I’m closing with this….Pray for my family and my aunt. Please, we need it. We really want here in here in Texas where she can receive specialized cancer treatment. Not only that, also so that she can remove herself from the toxic mental environment that shes in, gain strength, and move on with life and what God has for her. I just want her to be happy….and free…bottom line. Free from cancer…free from miscellaneous ppl and live the life that God has called her to live. I just want God to do that for her…she deserves it…

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