eyes wide open….

14 Jun

This weekend has been crazy. Not bad either. Last night I got some understanding that I had been desperately needing. Everyone knows that I love to draw and paint…but what a lot of folks do not understand about me is the same amount of love that i have for it is the same amount of reservation I have to actually produce and create something. I have a really difficult time focusing to do it, and for the life of me I never could understand why. I kind get it now. I was always looking for this thing called inspiration, and I would see other artists and hear them talk about it and hear about this beloved thing that allows them to be the creative beings that they are. I was on a mission to find it for myself so that I too could experience and create just as freely as they do. When I tell you I looked EVERYWHERE!!! I looked for it through others, through thoughts feelings and emotions…through life experiences, places I have been and seen, other artists artwork…let me tell you I went on a journey to find it. And I ended up with nothing but frustrations and a blank canvas! FU#(!!!!!

I just wasn’t receiving it the way everyone else was, and it really made me question whether or not I was a true artist. I questioned my whole being and fiber…was I just a chick that had some skills…It wasn’t until this weekend that I figured out what I was missing. ME! I was missing out of my work. I was SOOO busy trying to produce what others wanted me to…like a robot, that I never asked and looked within my own self to figure out what drives me. I was so busy trying to produce things that people would “get” that I became hyper critical of what makes me unique as an artist and not just a person who “regurgitates” what it is that I see or some manufactured common view on a topic…ie love. I made myself crazy, driving myself to this point of procrastination, putting myself in a corner where I was forced to create. And as a result I hated my work. Why, because it wasn’t me. It was someone else’s and not my own. It took the events of this past Sunday for me to finally get it.

See I have no church home here in H-town…see KPRC news about that one, so I have been on a mission to get in somewhere. This Sunday, I ended up at St. John’s Downtown with pastor Rudy and Juanita…i heard a message entitled letting go. Laying burdons and concerns aside and living and experiencing life eyes wide open. Granted in some areas of my life I have been doing that. But as far as this art thing…nope…that was my last little shred of control that I was holding on to and dammit I was NOT letting go. And by bedtime Sunday, I realized it was time to lay it aside pick up my mat and walk. NO ONE IS NOT ALLOWING ME TO MOVE BUT ME.

For the 1st time in a long time I am so excited (Insert Happy Dance Here). I pray that this remains with me at all times…Another way I knew God was speaking to ya girl DIRECTLY is when I saw the movie with Juliet, Carmen and Geoffrey…If you are an artist watch it. SERIOUSLY I, after watching it, felt like shit afterwards because it made me realize how much I wasn’t doing with my gift because I am standing in my own way. Well I am moving. I am allowing myself room for error, because Im finding that in error comes brilliance…help me God to remember that always…in every aspect of this life šŸ™‚

I just wanted to share what has inspired me…meet Geoffrey Holder…the man who helped me back onto my own yellow brick road…

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