Archive | August, 2010


18 Aug

self portrait


Pen just cries away

18 Aug

As I journey through this life…I’ve come to realize that music always in some sort of way has been the thread in my that runs through my life. Even as I look at this blog it becomes evident looking at the number of music centered posts. Its funny…through every twist and turn there has always been a song that can serve as the movie soundtrack for that place in my life.

That being said, there is this song by Eric Roberson on his cd entitled “Left,” that has just been a really good song for me as I am letting go of the past. *side note: I’ve been really getting into all of erro’s cd’s after listening to music fan first. You all really need to cop it* It really evokes every emotion I was feeling during the time if me claiming life back from heartache. Pen just cries away is a song of self discovery and healing from the pain of heartache, and how he uses his tool, writing,  to aid in mending his heart. It’s crazy…because I never realized how much healing has taken place with me refocusing on my art to get me through this rough and hurtful place. It, being this break up, has really has inspired me in a major way. Where I felt no inspiration, I have it now. So much so that it pains me that I cannot consistently work on it in the manner I want to. If you guys could really see my plan and books that have all these ideas that hae come out of all of this. The works that I display here are just glimpses of what I really want to do.  It’s big and beautiful 🙂

I digress. But what I’m saying is before I really got back to drawing and painting…I thought I needed answers, an apology, and an explanation. My favorite line in this song is “I lie to myself to just keep my smile”. I did that a lot…a lot… man but God is truly a healer. But in working through my feelings by putting it on paper, the less I needed all of that nonsense. All of that hurt and anger, I’m learning to put it on paper and release it through there. My point of view is becoming clearer and clearer the more I draw the more I paint the more I pray. Craziness. But I’m so grateful.

You know family, when I do see Robert…I don’t want to bombard him with a bunch of questions and demands.  No…I just want to hug him and tell him thank you for the inspiration.

30 something

10 Aug

So at 8:59 am marks the day one of the greatest additions to mankind was created. Lol. Maybe that’s a tad to far stretched at the moment but that is on my bucket list, and I will reach it.

I’m sitting in the hotel bar here in Canada in awe hat god has allowed me to see 30 years. I am sipping on some zinfandel at the moment and with every swig it puts me in a place of gratefulness. He has allowed me to see another year, another decade. As I embark on this milestone of 30, I welcome all that This new era will bring. My 20’s were filled with a lot of life lessons and some heartache here and there. I cried a lot, and laughed a lot as well. But what I can say is that it’s all shaped me to be the 30 year old woman I am today.

We all have our little own list of where we thought we would be…me I was married with kids and an awesome degree in graphic design. Running my own company with my husband and kids. Would I have been happy, perhaps, but I look at the life that God has blessed me with and granted slot of this I really didn’t see coming I still have to thank God for. I am grateful.

I don’t know what God has for me to come but I can truly say I am blessed and it is well with my soul. 🙂

pretty wings…

7 Aug

so this track has been on repeat for a minute…maxwell put how I had been feeling for a while into this tiny teasing snippet… you come to point where you sometimes have to let go of people…its hard…sometimes tragic..but there are times where you come to a place that you cannot go together. Where God makes you let go…and you think that it is the end all be all of life…but He is setting you up….setting you up to grow and spread our wings…streghthen you inner man…the soul that longs to express itself,…build up you own identity without the other person. More often than not we find ourselves in relationships where we define ourselves around that person….molding our likes to theres…never fuffulling or realizing our own desires…. Letting go isn’t always easy…we have to trust and have faith that God really has our best interest at heart…we have to truly live life daily in the moment…measuring the time you have to find who you really are…know that when God brings you back with the person he made you let go of…you will see it wasnt only just for you it was for them too…

Dear John

5 Aug

Remember that show from the 80’s? Lol.

Whomever came up with this concept…I swear I could string them up by their toes and hang them off a cliff.

I’ve been on the receiving end of one of this and in some relationships was tempted to send a few here and there. The thing that stopped me was my need to have verbal closure I guess. For me, I am a tad confrontational. I like to tell you how I feel and then walk away. Walk away was a bad choice of words…its more like get it off my chest and have a decent conversation about things and then leave…I just have this deep seeded need to resolve and close issues. I would just rather tell you soething important like “lets break up” in person rather than over the phone or something just horrible like texting.

I will be the 1st to admit sometimes I don’t give myself enough time to calm down when I need to resolve an issue…I’m working on that… But to write a letter and leave it on the dresser or mantle, for me just doesn’t do it. ESPECIALLY when you want to end a relationship. It kills me inside because there is no closure with dear john letters for both parties. To me its so impersonal and disrespectful even. When it happened to me, I was remember saying to myself WTF! Really, I thought I deserved more than some foolish piece of paper giving me some half ass excuse as to why we were no longer together…I mean…especially if you had been in a relationship for a few years, to just end things in a funky letter what??

It’s completely selfish and hurtful. Not to mention, its cowardly. Most letters usually include the infamous quote, “By the time you read this I will be gone.” wtf? (side note: ok in a domestic this is plausible…nipping that side comment/rebuttal in the butt right now). I just don’t get it…you mean to tell me, you didn’t have the common courtesy to tell me face to face or sit down with me and tell me its over?? Usually the receiving end of these letters have no idea what hit them…and the writer of the letter is hyped up on this false sense of “this is the best way and they will understand type crap”. But what they fail to realize is that they end up hurting that person more than they realize.

You leave them with all these unanswered questions and crazy concoctions because all they are left with is your silly ass piece of paper. Honestly, when have you EVER heard a person say or I am cool with that…and if you have they are such liars…It leaves your world turned upside down and can turn a seemingly calm, mild mannered person into this crazy lunatic, because they were sooo blindsided by your cowardice and arrogance to leave with a letter. And you wonder why your phone gets blown up and people go on some stalker bs? I think a dear john letter prompted Jazmine Sullivan’s bust you windows, and possibly some of our other breakup classics…note Me’Shell N’Deocello’s Outside your door…People, letters like that are pre-thought out. You don’t just one day sit down and decide to write some stuff like that. That had been festering in your spirit for a hot minute…

So before you write that letter, or send that text, take that same time to sit and talk with that person. If its a fear thing, and you are scared to talk to that person, you font need to be in a relationship anyways, you need to work on your communication issues. Trust me it’s better in the long run.

You owe them at least that much.

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