I am discovering me. Rediscovering me I should say…I gave this blog title because I realize more like Janie than what I thought. I see a side of me that longs to be free and longs to travel and do whatever I want to do with nothing holding me back. I know that seems crazy, and I can’t help but feel this connection to where she was at that point in time in her life. We get what attracts me to her and teacake. Though he is far from perfect they perfect together. He give her balance and the love she’s been wanting all of her life. God what do I want, what have I been wanting? A mate that is free for love and not care what anybody else feels about that.
Teacake was so free so adventurous and just ready to love her the love that she needed, despite his faults and her faults. As I get older, I see where I feel like I have spent all of my “old girl” days with other people that were finevwith me playing the role of the and I girlfriend. What I am realizing that I need is someone who will allow me the freedom I crave, and maybe even take on these adventures with me. Someone who is full of life and vigor and can be the eb to my flow.
So I am knowing that this will not be a daily thing. Maybe Weekly? But today was a day I really decided to take a deep look into the future. AO will not let me sleep. Everything I do, think and see artistically is tied into it. There are so may facets of this company and I see it clearer now more than ever. Its a blessing, but a scary on in the fact that its so big that I have no clue where to begin. I guess this is that point when people would say, it was no one but God. I know this is bigger than me. I just know it is. I just have to pray that God really order my steps. I have to really stay in prayer and hear for God’s voice until he tells me to make the next move.
My task though for Q2 though is to purchase the web domain and name so it is mine. Staking claim. Lord, am I really growing up? Sounds like it right? I am nervous, scared, happy, anxious, expecting, ready to shout, and excited all at the same time. Is this what it is supposed to feel like?
Thank you God, for this. Its been a long time coming.
First say to yourself what you would be; then do what you have to do. – Epictetus
Today my word was to look back at my vision board from 2013. Its weird because this board is special. It wasn’t about tasks to overcome do and complete, It more served as a board of inspiration and strength. This board was a vision for 2014 as well. This board is artistically free and beautiful. Much like where I feel the need to be in life at the moment. So I will take this inspiration/vision board into 2014 possibly with a few additions.
The word for the today came from 2 places. i Corinthians 13 and Romans 8. Love and love. Without love I am nothing. Everything i do must must be centered around love. The way I interact with people be it whether I know them or not. Keep my joyous and loving spirit about me. Also I have to remember that I am more than a conqueror. I can do all things through Christ that strengthens me. Strength and love really go hand in hand. These 1st three months is about strength building. Mentally and physically. Building me from the foundation up so that I can attack the rest of the year with force and confidence.
Today is about submission. Submitting my inspirations and my life to God and be me. The real me. The me that God intended me to be. Letting God shine through me and show others the authentic me with no restraint. NO walls, no limitations….
Being honest after seeing that I haven’t posted since June I figured now would be be a good time to submit a post no?
A little fear is good right? I know I am not supposed to speak things into existence, but looking at 2014 there is a little concern and dare I say it, apprehension. I have struggles. I have issues. Where this may have flown under the radar before, I am in a place where I know things must change. Its funny. Juliet pointed out to me a few days ago that I always seem to have an epiphany every January and carry it out for the new year. Well here goes nothing.
This year, this is it. I am accomplishing what I am setting out to do. God has a funny way of confirming things. Yesterday, I said I was leaving the situation with the ex alone. So I am listening to John Gray tonight at church online, and one of the 1st things he said tonight is to leave the unhealthy behind in the past and purge those things out of your life. WHAT?!? A friend of mine just today was saying the same thing to be before church and its funny how I can see now the unhealthiness of that relationship. The balance that is supposed to exist wasn’t there. I do understand that relationships go through phases and sometimes the balance will not be there. But in this case even when things got better I never felt the reciprocation. That is hurtful to me, especially when I do not feel appreciated for the little things. I am still in this cycle where I feel like I am on the lowest shelf of the priority list of the men I date and that has to stop now. I have to cut whats dead in order for me to flourish. Does it hurt…yeah, but everyday it will get easier. The 1st quarter of this month is for laying groundwork of my plans. Cleaning up what I need to clean up so that for the rest of the year I can work my plan and accomplish the goals I have set for myself.
OK God…I am riding with you. Help me and place me in the direction that I need to go in. Remove from me what needs to me removed internally and externally. I am ready finally to receive what you have to say. Thank you for a sense of clarity and the spirit of discernment. Thank you for what you will do in 2014. On a side note…aside from working out and stuff I am a part of this online movement 100 Life Goals University. I am so very excited to see where this is going to take me. Foundation work indeed.
Can I be honest? I’m struggling. There is this battle between the mind and heart and right now…god help me. I am trusting God currently because its all I can do at this point. I have no clue where my personal life is or what course is being charted. Insomnia is real right now. All I think about is him. And this is straight
bullshit craziness. I feel like I am walking around led in the dark and there is a part of me that wants off. I don’t like this feeling god. I know it’s necessary but I don’t like this whole not knowing thing. Right through here I need to be real. I’m not trying to speak things thoughts and emotions into existence. I just need to say what is in my heart.
What is really in my heart? Love. Plain and simple. Love that yearns to be given. But it must be worthy of giving. I need you God right now. I ask your wisdom to guide me through to follow you and not my own understanding. This post has taken me all day to write. I need your guidance god. Help me to discern who and what attempts to come close to me. My love is a gift and is precious and invaluable. That gift of love I pray god that you grant to the man of God that will diligently seek and pursue it. One after your own heart. Not just in word but yet in action. Amen
So…I am embarking on a spiritual journey….to cleanse my mind and heart and really seek God’s face in areas of my personal life. I decided that I would blog everyday at least on my journey through the next 25 days. The 1st 3 days are 6 to 6’s. No food only water until 6pm. In the meanwhile I prayed and went about my day today. But look at God…He allowed me to spend the 1st part of my day serving the community at Share Day/Feed the Children. Even though it was HOT, We were able to do a great and remarkable thing to impact a few lives in the city of Houston.
In my worship today, I learned that giants do come down. I was reminded that we must PRAISE our way through a thing until we see it come to pass. Joyce Meyer reinforced that tonight in the daily devotion. We have to speak words of thanksgiving. Not only in my prayer life, but for EVERY situation. Let everything that have breath right? LOVE is the ultimate healer and allows that thanksgiving to come through.
I also learned that in order to break bitterness that comes up in my spirit, there are things I must do. I must turn to God quickly. I have to stay in church. I need to be completely honest with God when I go to him in prayer. Finally trust him completely. It seems hard right? Especially when you know that you have been hurt, but I know I cannot expect, let alone deserve his best when I can’t move forward due to bitterness.
So here is my petition today God…Thank you for your mercies and grace and love that you have shown not only me, but everyone around me. You are the only wise God, and I thank you for being who you are. My prayer is that you remove the hurt. Help them to work through whatever it is that holds them back from loving a woman completely and wholeheartedly. With no regret. Remove bitterness and pain not only from them, but me as well Lord. Remember me God. Thank you God…amen
So here I am again and these dreams are back again. Lord. I don’t know. Its amazing how you don’t think about a person and then poof a dream. God has really funny timing about a thing. Lord. This is the craziest thing. I don’t know what to do or say. But I know I have to talk about and pray for him. Better yet for both of them. Lord. Thank you for revealing HOW I need to pray about what I need to say and what I don’t need to say. What I need to do. Now. Is follow on instruction. I don’t know what is happening or what will happen. But for the next 24 days I will be in consistent and constant prayer and fasting. I will record my journey here God as you lead me. Your will your way in this are of my life.