You know that feeling when you want to cry, you feel this knot in your throat. It’s painful. You attempt to hold it back. However the more you hold it back, the more painful it becomes. And at some point you succumb and Allow it pass and cry it out. Because you understand that once you cry it out, it will be better on the other side.
Thanks where I am today. I see, feel, and dream about that other side. Even though I am happy with life in present, I see so much more for myself. I don’t see this rat race 9-5 daily struggle for myself. I always knew that my life was bigger than me. I just never knew how that would happen what’s funny is that the 2-12 in my case would have this hold on me. I really don’t feel fulfilled in what I do anymore. I don’t get that thing that makes people excited. In spite of that feeling I hold on because it’s safe. It’s steady and stable. But I know that’s not my dream or goal in life.
I told Juliet yesterday…I feel like that I am a child of the world. I feel like I’m bounded some days. Or like when a woman is ready to give birth. Just mad uncomfortable and ready to drop this load. I was listening to my iPod on the way to work today and happened to choose a message to listen to on the commute instead of music. Literally EVERYTHING I have been crying about, dreaming, thinking and feeling was in this message. I needed to pull the car over. I needed a moment. I just couldn’t believe that God would talk to me right then and there. I knew. I can’t explain it. But I knew that what I have been feeling wasn’t me going crazy.
What i know….this personal revolution will not be televised. I just have to keep this in with me. And as god prompts me to share them so be it. Can I be honest? I am scared. Why. I feel like I have no idea on how this ball is going to get rolling. I know I am meant to be more than this. I follow a bunch of people on Instagram who are forging their way through life and making a name for themselves. That is so inspirational to me. I need to make more time. For me. And right now I feel like ihave to cut out the lagniappe in order to do it.
I had to explain to my cousin today that I am focused. No I won’t be returning calls all the time. I may forget things and dates. I may not want to book rooms for people. I will do what I want when I feel led todo so. I am being selfish at the moment. I feel that I want to take this next year up until graduation to do just that. Do me. In every sense of the word. I need to readjust the way I look at my path and direction. I need to realign my actions so that they match up with my vision. Health. Art. Skill set. It’s time. Before I turn 40 I will have made great strides in urbane soul collective media group. It is time to get my life. I am pledging to work hard at this. Research. Connections will come to me to move me to the next level. I feel it.
This week has been emotional and now I know why. I needed to close some doors. Let people go emotionally. And get through and past my own feelings and emotions about my own life I had to get honest with me. I get it God.
I am just asking for wisdom, strength, endurance and discernment for the next milestone in my life. 🖖
i am angry. And disappointed. The one thing I don’t like is when people are not consistent. Whether or not I solicit your help,if you say this is what I am going to do, then do it. And if you can’t do something, shit let me know. I know I shouldn’t be on this tangent, but I can’t get this situation off my spirit. Ok. I do things for people and have learned not to expect a return. But sometimes that mentality doesn’t work out so well. Apparently not now. I think where this is pissing me offis that this person is considered to be a friend. Am I hurting for it no…but it’s the principle of a matter. Before I go any further, I bless God for helping me in that situation, but I just can’t seem to get past how someone can fix those lips to say they love you, but there is no follow through. 😒
I need to move past this. Because this tossing and turning and 3/4am shit is not cutting it. I need to file this in the one last cry file. Because after this entry in done. I feel myself getting sleepy anyway. The more I type though out the ey e are drooping. Hopefully this worked. K!l
I am discovering me. Rediscovering me I should say…I gave this blog title because I realize more like Janie than what I thought. I see a side of me that longs to be free and longs to travel and do whatever I want to do with nothing holding me back. I know that seems crazy, and I can’t help but feel this connection to where she was at that point in time in her life. We get what attracts me to her and teacake. Though he is far from perfect they perfect together. He give her balance and the love she’s been wanting all of her life. God what do I want, what have I been wanting? A mate that is free for love and not care what anybody else feels about that.
Teacake was so free so adventurous and just ready to love her the love that she needed, despite his faults and her faults. As I get older, I see where I feel like I have spent all of my “old girl” days with other people that were finevwith me playing the role of the and I girlfriend. What I am realizing that I need is someone who will allow me the freedom I crave, and maybe even take on these adventures with me. Someone who is full of life and vigor and can be the eb to my flow.
So I am knowing that this will not be a daily thing. Maybe Weekly? But today was a day I really decided to take a deep look into the future. AO will not let me sleep. Everything I do, think and see artistically is tied into it. There are so may facets of this company and I see it clearer now more than ever. Its a blessing, but a scary on in the fact that its so big that I have no clue where to begin. I guess this is that point when people would say, it was no one but God. I know this is bigger than me. I just know it is. I just have to pray that God really order my steps. I have to really stay in prayer and hear for God’s voice until he tells me to make the next move.
My task though for Q2 though is to purchase the web domain and name so it is mine. Staking claim. Lord, am I really growing up? Sounds like it right? I am nervous, scared, happy, anxious, expecting, ready to shout, and excited all at the same time. Is this what it is supposed to feel like?
Thank you God, for this. Its been a long time coming.
First say to yourself what you would be; then do what you have to do. – Epictetus
Today my word was to look back at my vision board from 2013. Its weird because this board is special. It wasn’t about tasks to overcome do and complete, It more served as a board of inspiration and strength. This board was a vision for 2014 as well. This board is artistically free and beautiful. Much like where I feel the need to be in life at the moment. So I will take this inspiration/vision board into 2014 possibly with a few additions.
The word for the today came from 2 places. i Corinthians 13 and Romans 8. Love and love. Without love I am nothing. Everything i do must must be centered around love. The way I interact with people be it whether I know them or not. Keep my joyous and loving spirit about me. Also I have to remember that I am more than a conqueror. I can do all things through Christ that strengthens me. Strength and love really go hand in hand. These 1st three months is about strength building. Mentally and physically. Building me from the foundation up so that I can attack the rest of the year with force and confidence.
Today is about submission. Submitting my inspirations and my life to God and be me. The real me. The me that God intended me to be. Letting God shine through me and show others the authentic me with no restraint. NO walls, no limitations….
Being honest after seeing that I haven’t posted since June I figured now would be be a good time to submit a post no?
A little fear is good right? I know I am not supposed to speak things into existence, but looking at 2014 there is a little concern and dare I say it, apprehension. I have struggles. I have issues. Where this may have flown under the radar before, I am in a place where I know things must change. Its funny. Juliet pointed out to me a few days ago that I always seem to have an epiphany every January and carry it out for the new year. Well here goes nothing.
This year, this is it. I am accomplishing what I am setting out to do. God has a funny way of confirming things. Yesterday, I said I was leaving the situation with the ex alone. So I am listening to John Gray tonight at church online, and one of the 1st things he said tonight is to leave the unhealthy behind in the past and purge those things out of your life. WHAT?!? A friend of mine just today was saying the same thing to be before church and its funny how I can see now the unhealthiness of that relationship. The balance that is supposed to exist wasn’t there. I do understand that relationships go through phases and sometimes the balance will not be there. But in this case even when things got better I never felt the reciprocation. That is hurtful to me, especially when I do not feel appreciated for the little things. I am still in this cycle where I feel like I am on the lowest shelf of the priority list of the men I date and that has to stop now. I have to cut whats dead in order for me to flourish. Does it hurt…yeah, but everyday it will get easier. The 1st quarter of this month is for laying groundwork of my plans. Cleaning up what I need to clean up so that for the rest of the year I can work my plan and accomplish the goals I have set for myself.
OK God…I am riding with you. Help me and place me in the direction that I need to go in. Remove from me what needs to me removed internally and externally. I am ready finally to receive what you have to say. Thank you for a sense of clarity and the spirit of discernment. Thank you for what you will do in 2014. On a side note…aside from working out and stuff I am a part of this online movement 100 Life Goals University. I am so very excited to see where this is going to take me. Foundation work indeed.
Can I be honest? I’m struggling. There is this battle between the mind and heart and right now…god help me. I am trusting God currently because its all I can do at this point. I have no clue where my personal life is or what course is being charted. Insomnia is real right now. All I think about is him. And this is straight
bullshit craziness. I feel like I am walking around led in the dark and there is a part of me that wants off. I don’t like this feeling god. I know it’s necessary but I don’t like this whole not knowing thing. Right through here I need to be real. I’m not trying to speak things thoughts and emotions into existence. I just need to say what is in my heart.
What is really in my heart? Love. Plain and simple. Love that yearns to be given. But it must be worthy of giving. I need you God right now. I ask your wisdom to guide me through to follow you and not my own understanding. This post has taken me all day to write. I need your guidance god. Help me to discern who and what attempts to come close to me. My love is a gift and is precious and invaluable. That gift of love I pray god that you grant to the man of God that will diligently seek and pursue it. One after your own heart. Not just in word but yet in action. Amen